Our First Ever Endo Appointment

It was supposed to take months to get in..  but it only took 4 weeks.  Our first EVER Endo. appointment was here and we were excited to ask questions and show how well Hudson had been doing and how well we were slowly getting a grip on this disease.  The appointment went as it always does with Hudson growing 1/2 an inch and gaining a pound or so.. nothing out of the norm for a growing healthy little boy.  Hudson was showing off his Angry Birds skills to his Diabetes Nurse who we see every 3 months just to go over how Hudson is doing and how he is progressing.  
I thought the appointment would be like any of our appointments.. where the specialists are smitten by Hudson's cuteness and charm and marvel at how well such a small boy can be doing facing this type of disease..  But she was all business.. totally not what I had prepared for.  I know she was busy all day and had so many people to see in such a short time..  but as she was going over our numbers I felt like I was doing a terrible job.  Hudson's numbers have been in the higher end of his scale and mid teens for  a month, which I kept telling her was because he had a cold, because he was growing, because we had given him extra snacks in preparation for activitynd than the activity was cancelled.. I think she might have thought that we were trying to make excuses.. that we were trying to justify why he was so out of range for so many weeks.  It might have seemed like we were, but we were just trying to make her understand where we were coming from and that caring for a toddler with diabetes is tricky.  I know she had a job to do in educating us, and that was what she was there for...  We were given new carb to insulin ratios and than taken to another room where she was going to check Hudson out to see how he was doing... As soon as he saw the room he began to freak out.. as soon as she placed him on the paper lined table, he began to cry.  We knew why... and try to explain to her that he associates this kind of room set up with a doctors office and he associates a doctors office with getting his blood taken every 3 months to be checked out.  As tears ran down his tiny cheeks she listened to his heart.. checked his finger tips to see how they were looking and than.. the dreaded part.. she checked his injection sites to see how they were doing.  We told her that his arms were sore from only letting us give him his pens in his arms.. and as soon as she took 1 look at his arm she gave us this look of disbelief.  I at that moment felt like the worst mom of a diabetic in the world.  She began to lightly touch his upper arm and told me to come feel.  "Dont you feel that lump?  You can see it from here!"  I touched his arm, but didn't want to tell her that I couldn't feel it.. because if I admitted that, than I am sure I would get another eye brow raised in my direction.  I felt terrible.  I felt like I had failed him in that instant.  I felt horrible as the days before played back in my mind of fighting with him to get his injections when he kept telling me they hurt, I just thought he was acting up so that he didn't have to get them.  I was looking for lumps the whole time he was complaining at home. But I thought that a "lump" in his arm would feel more like a knot in your neck where you felt an actual bump!!  But I didn't want to voice what I thought just in case I got another look.  As Hudson carried on in his tearful cries I began to break down myself.  It felt like we were just newly diagnosed that very day.  Like all that we had learnt over the last 8 months was stripped away and we were given a new set of rules to live by.  That this new life we were forced to create and these new rules to live by were no longer keeping our little boy healthy and safe.  I was in tears, Hudson was in tears. I was in tears for my little baby boy who would have to live with this unpredictable disease and its constant changing of rules long after he leaves my home and my constant care.  Someday he will have to do this on his own.  It wont just go away. Its like an unwanted guest in our home...   Leaving the office that day with a blotchy face, a little boy with crying hiccups we headed right to Toys R Us to buy a bag full of bribes to reward Hudson when he had to get his needles now in a different location.  That afternoon I cried my heart out.  I sobbed to the point of exhaustion.. being careful of course to compose myself an hour before work so that i wouldn't have a headache, leaving my husband in charge of the very first NEW injection in the NEW injection site... Hudson's booty!
All night at work I wondered how he did, so when I  couldn't take it anymore, I called home and got the report that it was a struggle to get him to lay still but once the insulin was given, Hudson laughed.. and was so beyond excited to get a NEW angry bird for his collection.  FEUF!
A week and a half later you would think that his booty was his favorite insulin injection site.  He just lays on the couch on his tummy playing angry birds on our phone was we give him his pens.  It doesn't phase him any more.  He has forgotten about the prizes hidden under out stairs and rarely asks for one anymore!!   A week and a half later I realize that in the moment at that appointment , it was emotional.  It was tough .  But living out the corrections given, I know now that she was right and gave us the proper information to bring Hudson's numbers within a GREAT range!!  He now is never over 10 ( unless its 3am and we check him)  He wakes up with great numbers that are maintained throughout the day!  
I wish now that the endocrinologist could look over my log book and see how far Hudson has come and how great he is doing now!!!  And taller yet too ( I had to add that in because I was right.. he was growing and is now a bit taller.. that explains the higher numbers!)