Ok, so I never actually finished Hudson's story because it is so predictable after where we left off... We came home, battling high's for a few weeks. We were getting so frustrated because his sugars would be amazing in the morning but after he ate, at the 2 hour check, he would spike, only to crash at lunch time, confusing our diabetes consultant who calls every day to check up on us.
Rene finally, after a month of sleeping downstairs, is back up in our bedroom, which, I will be honest, some nights terrifies me! Rene was checking Hudson every night for the past month at 3am, just to make sure Hudson didn't go low in the middle of the night. Now that Rene is back up stairs I am getting the worst sleep. I must be sleeping lighter, afraid of something happening or going wrong with Hudson downstairs. I will be so happy the day our home sells and we can build our new home where all the bedrooms will be on the same floor.... hopefully that well help with my sleeping fear. Hudson too must know that Rene isn't downstairs either. He must be used to us by now being close by since for a month we were right there in case he needs us, that now we have to almost re train him to sleep through the night since the last few nights he has woken up around 4 crying and crying. Heartbreaking but at the same time it will be nice to finally sleep through the night. I forget what it feels like to feel totally rested. I wake up panicking, thinking I heard Hudson call my name, and than lying there, in the all too quiet room, waiting to hear it again. Most times its not him, but when it is, my heart starts to race. It makes me think of those long nights in the hospital where Hudson would just cling to me, his body soaked in sweaty panic and fear. Nights I think are going to be the hardest time for me. I need to let go, and leave it all in God's hands but its so hard when I know our son's room is just under our bedroom, but still it seems like miles away.
On nights like last night, I am thankful he is alive. Thankful that he is still with us. But as a mother, I sacrifice my sleep just for the assurance of knowing that my little boy is having a peaceful nights rest. I miss not being able to sit in his room and watch him sleep, but I know that would do me no good having no rest myself at all. I walk around day after day, feeling empty and drained. Like I have nothing left to give. Feeling like if I could just take a short, un interrupted cat nap that than maybe my mind will be clear and more focused. I am so scheduled, my life now revolves around insulin shots, finger pricks, highs and lows, snacks that are good for him, counting, and praying that it just seems like thats all I do. It drains you. Is this a normal feeling? It must just be an adjustment feeling when after a month of having diabetes in our lives, we are getting used to having it around!?
Still, someday I still cry... some days when I still my mind and actually get to think for a second of what I am doing. When Hudson and his sister are both napping and the house is quiet and still. When the afternoons are like that and I am stressed beyond what I can take, I cry. I ask God.... "People say God doesn't give us more than what we can handle" than what makes Him think that I was capable of handling this? What makes Him think that out of everything that is going on in our lives, why add a disease to my precious son... and every time I get a response back, "It could be worse" Yes, It can be worse... it could be much worse. My son is here... he is happy... he is safe...he is alive.. his disease is controllable... and so in ALL of that, I find comfort.
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